Mar. 01 2013 · 04:02 am


When I was maybe 3 years old, I thought that when I grew up I'd have curly blonde hair and drive a red convertible. I never imagined I'd grow up to be 22 with purple hair, a zoo full of adopted reptiles, and a drinking problem. But after laughing my way through 21 years of winging it with my thumb up my ass and an untold amount of lonely drunken nights, I think I somehow found my way to happiness- a job I love, a handful of unintentionally acquisitioned roommates, and some die-hard friends that I can count on to make my day time and time again. Maybe after 22 years I finally got it right. Who says you gotta strive to find a better life for yourself? It may not stay forever, but for now, I got all I need right here.

Sep. 05 2010 · 01:53 pm

Yesterday Eddie's mom and her fiance took us on a surprise road trip and wouldn't tell us where we were going. We left at 4:00 in the AM.
A few hours later, I woke up far away from home. First stop, Subway Caves. Pretty sweet. We spent a while exploring while Kathy and Rich watched the dogs.
Then we walked on the moon and collected a faggot. Yep, that's right.
We went to Burney Falls. Eddie and I hiked down to the base of the falls. Now my legs are sore.
We went to the trout hatchery and fed the fish. Eddie and Rich played the dogs some while Kathy and I drank a beer.
Next stop, Lassen. We drove the loop and got the grand tour. Nothing like drinking water straight from the stream in a beautiful meadow of wildflowers one minute, then throwing snowballs at each other the next, and then standing in a giant cloud of sulfur-y steam at Bump Pass Hell as it bellows from the mountain's asshole.
We went to a handful of gift shops and I spent too much money, but I had a good time and got the perfect thing for Mother's birthday next month, and some sweet new jewelry for me.

It was such a tease to get out of town just for one day. I want something new. I want a small house with a huge yard with chickens and rabbits and lots of bird feeders. I want to get my tattoo. I want to drive far away. I want to run. I want to see, I want to do, I want to go.
My mind has too much time to wander when only in the company of silent strangers and a dark mountain road.

mood: discontent

Jul. 25 2010 · 12:04 pm

Good news! As of two weeks ago, I am no longer employed at the Home Depot, and I couldn't be happier. I now remember what it's like not to hate my life. I feel like I've earned my soul back.
I mean sure, I was pissed that they didn't keep me, but I don't know how long I could have lasted if they did. Four months was enough. The only thing that sucks is no longer having income. Or as much income, anyway. $100 a week is just not gonna be enough.

But on the upside, it's freed up my schedule a lot. A LOT. I have more free time than I know what to do with, so I drink.
But it also increases my availability for The Farmhouse. I opened all last week while Aspen was on vacation. And by the looks of the calendar, I'll be getting more shifts here in a couple weeks, too.

Mother has been out of town the past week. Me and Eddie have been having way too much fun together. Playing with toys, blowing bubbles, washing cars. Partying. Making the most epic messes I've ever seen in my house, eating a lot... Being spontaneous. The other day we were surfin' the web and I said something like "I want a bird." So we get talking about critters and we came to the conclusion that we both have always wanted a snake. Less than an hour later we were at Petco getting a snake, haha. She's the most adorable tiny corn snake I've ever had the pleasure to know. 13 inches, 12.6 grams. After careful deliberation, we named her Oblina. Our first child together. :] And spoiled rotten, too! She spends more time during the day being held/being in our shirts than she does in her tank.


My love. ♥

mood: content

Jul. 03 2010 · 07:56 pm

It's shit like this that makes me want to quit my job. I seriously feel violated. I can't even do my fucking job without feeling violated.

This disgusting short, fat, Mexican (though none of that matters, it only made it worse) with beer breath checking me out the whole time I rang him up, while his equally as terrible friend kept trying to get my attention, calling me "mammi" and "chicka", and winking at me, looking at my ass saying "nice".
Then the original guy starts up. He's asking about my boyfriend, looking at my rings, at my tattoo, and pretty much looking for every excuse to try to touch my hand. Then he tells me about his business, and I'm like, okay... semi-understandable half-in-English banter with a customer. As I'm counting his change, the dude asks me my name (it's on my fucking apron, diptard) and shakes my hand. Then he proceeds to lift my hand to his slobbery reeking lips and kiss it. EW. How fucking uncomfortable is that. And I can't go off on the dude because I'm at work. So I waited for him to leave and went straight for the hand wipes.

It just leaves a bad feeling hanging over me (and a bad smell on my hand.) I wish I didn't really need the money, or I'd quit right here, right now.

mood: discontent

Jun. 28 2010 · 07:59 pm

I've only been at work for two hours and I'm already bored, wanna go home, and drink a beer.

Last night was awesome. I love when I don't have to close, so I can go out and have fun. We started at the park. Me and Toni took way too many pictures. Then we went to Motel 6, proceeded to get drunker and take more pictures and be loud and have fun, until somehow everyone passed out except me, Toni, Eddie, and Brandon. So somehow we made the decision to go to the creek out by Eddie's dad's place.
And then skinny dipping happened. Eddie's bright idea. Too bad both our cameras died by then, haha. It was freezing fucking cold. Too cold to get out. We ended up drinking almost all the beer, then Toni and Brandon started humping right next to us, so me and Eddie got somewhat dressed and went back to his car and drank the rest. It was like 5:00 in the AM before we got home. And today we slept until 2:00. We woke up with just enough time to have sex before mother got home.

It's been a good past few weeks though. My work schedules are almost always the same every week now. Mother has been getting out more and going on more trips so I've had the house to myself. My yoga class is going good. I forgot how amazing yoga feels. And I've been riding my bike to class every day. My butt still hurts. I've also been eating exponentially healthier. Even though I'm not losing weight yet, I still feel so much better, all around.

Oh, and I really fucking hate technology. So, so much. Neither of my computers work. I really don't want to have to restore them to factory settings and whipe them out completely. I would probably cry. First my desktop keeps crashing, now it won't even start up. And my laptop... I don't even know yet, I haven't had time to investigate.

Haha, I love everyone I work with. Well, almost everyone. But I love my lumber buddies. They make it not suck whenever I get stuck out here. We have fun.
Three people have asked me if I wear contacts today. Because my eyes are super blue I guess? Or they all just wanna hit on cashiers. But contacts? Dunno.

Annnnd it's lunch time.

Jun. 17 2010 · 07:17 pm

I love how the only time I'm ever bored enough to update is when I'm at work. This time I'm at the Depot, covering a lunch in lumber and there's absolutely no one around. Good thing the pro desk has computers.

I started a summer yoga class this week. I've promised myself I'm gonna start being healthier. I've been feeling like a big fat lump lately. So I'm riding my bike to class four days a week, doing yoga (which is freaking amazing. I forgot how wonderful I feel after an hour of stretching.) and eating way, way healthier. I've been eating only seeds, fruits, and veggies for the past three days, with the occasional dairy. No meat, no starches. I spent $50 on delicious organic produce yesterday at community market. And I feel so much better already. I can't wait to start dropping pounds.

Mother is out of town for the week, so me and Eddie have been staying at my place for once. It's nice to be home, not that I've really accomplished anything but laundry. But it's still nice to sleep in my own bed and be free of any parental supervision, or anyone else to consider. I like staying up as late as I want, drinking as much as I want, being as loud as I want... I made us the most amazing salad last night- bell pepper, tomato, onion, mushroom, tofu, beans, olives, avocado...

And back to work. Sigh.

May. 28 2010 · 02:30 pm

Oh, poor neglected journal. I feel bad that I never update anymore. But I'm never really home, and when I am it's only to get ready for work. It's funny how the only time I ever really have to myself is when I'm out here at the Farmhouse, where I sit here online instead of getting things done.

When I'm not at work, I'm at Eddie's house. Yes, we're together now and I couldn't be happier. Say we're both rebounding all you want, but holy shit. I never thought we'd get along so well. I think I found the last sweetheart on earth and I love him to death. And the sex... don't even get me started. We haven't missed a night (or day) yet. He's just so easy to be with; such a gentleman, so sweet... he sends me cute little texts throughout the day... he'd do anything to make me smile, and I'd do anything to be in his arms every night.

In my previous post, I mentioned the CCACA show in Davis and all the work that was going into my piece. I eventually made the final glazing decision for my serpent, and Joel and I were loading it into the kiln. We're both pretty much halfway inside the kiln, which isn't very big so we're kinda crammed in there, and everything was good to go until Joel just tapped one of the stilts and whacked one of the antlers, breaking it in two places. He just looked up at me and said "Oh, FUCK." I could have kicked his ass, but he was so sorry about it, I forgave him. Shit happens.
So anyway, after all was said and done, I decided to take my other monster to CCACA instead, for a variety of factors, even though I busted my ass to get it all done.
Davis was amazing. I went with Eddie. It was like a little mini-vacation. We got there on Friday, just in time for my scheduled "gallery work" which was really just sitting in the JC's section. After that, we got a room and got extremely drunk and ate a lot of food and watched movies. It was great. Eventually we hopped the fence to the pool and went for a swim for about five minutes before we got kicked out (it was like 1:00 in the morning). So we went back in and took a long, hot shower. We proceeded to sleep in until check-out time.
We spent the next day wandering through town checking out the rest of the show. It was nothing like I expected. I assumed that every college's exhibit would be in one central location, but instead they were all spread around town. I was absolutely blown away by the quality of a lot of the work (all ceramic). I took way too many pictures. When we finished, we headed home, drinking all the way.

School is over now. I wrapped up the semester with a 3.1 GPA- 2 A's, a B and a C. Not too bad considering all the classes I missed and the lack of effort I put forth in most of them. It's been nice being able to sleep in before work.
And work... I'm still closing at Home Depot every night, and on my days off I'm in Kenwood.
Last week I had the first real true day off I've had since the beginning of this year. No school, no work, and Mother was out of town. Needless to say, it was amazing. It sucks knowing that's probably the last day off I'll get in the next two months. But it's great knowing that I'll have a secure job here in Kenwood even when Home Depot ends. Have I mentioned how much I love this job? They feed me every day, give me beer, let me sit around... when I'm working, it usually involves art in some way. Last week they gave me money and let me loose in the craft store.
I love the amount of freedom I have here. It's basically the polar opposite of my other job. Last Friday I opened all by myself, ran the show, and closed by myself. That's a pretty big deal. And I'm here today by myself again. I must be doing something right.

Oh, and I recently became the proud owner of the two most amazing rats in the world. Seriously, how could anyone ever think that rats are not individuals with their own personalities? I got Rat Rat from the coffee cart lady who works here. Her kids never played with him and I don't know why. Sweetest rat ever. He's neutered, if that matters. When I held him for the first time, he instantly started licking my hands. How cute is that? And I've loved him ever since. He's a good snuggle rat.
Shortly thereafter, I adopted Otis from Jason. He's huge and gluttonous and totally content to sit on my head all day. But being an old man, he has a bit of a sitting-in-his-own-piss problem. Love him anyway.
So I guess I'm now the official person to pawn rats off on and fall in love with them. I'm not complaining.

Well, I require a hotdog (shuddup...) Adios, amigo.

mood: happy, finally

Apr. 17 2010 · 11:53 am

Here I sit, out in Kenwood, alone at the Farmhouse while everyone is out back at the garden seminar. And I'm wishing I wouldn't have drank so much last night, not because I'm hung over, but because I never fucking sleep. Knowing that hangovers can't bring be down anymore will be the eventual death of me. Me and Eddie are bad influences on each other, my fuck... this 3:00 AM shit needs to stop.
However, I've slept in my own bed for the last two nights, if you'd call it sleep. And I've been eating better.

Today is going to be weird. I'm only going to be out here for another half an hour, and then I have to go home and get ready to go to Joe's grandmother's memorial. This is a commitment I made a month ago, and despite the whole ex factor, I'm going, if nothing else just to hang out with his mom, because we'll always be friends.
Joe came over to get his shit last week, and after giving me a ration of crap and a few "colorful" names, he apologized to me because I don't deserve that. Why'd he have to go and do that... I was so ready to have him out of my life, and then he has to go and be nice. WTF. So his shit is still there, and I'm still getting his mail and taking his calls.
We went to the park and drank a beer shortly thereafter, it was just like old times but so... weird. Uncomfortable. Awkward. But not. We just talked the whole time, and then split.

But this week hasn't been all bad. Joel, Nancy and Hiroshi (all my "superiors" in ceramics) are basically forcing me to put one of my pieces in the CACCAA show in Davis this month. Which is great and all, but the deadline is coming up quick and I only just recently decided to actually go. Which means in a couple weeks, I'll have to deliver my piece to Davis, spend a few hours doing gallery work, come back home, and then go to the actual show a few days later. And work only complicates it.
And to top it all off, Nancy and Hiroshi don't think I should fire it at cone 10 like I'd originally intended, but at cone 5 instead. Due to its irregular shape, the ends will contract at a more rapid rate than the middle, causing stress and possible breakage. I spent so much time making a test piece and waiting for it to be fired, and now they tell me... But, on the upside, Nancy trusts me enough to let me into her personal stash of ultra-toxic poison glazes. They're the prettiest glazes I've ever seen, and I'm the only one she's ever trusted with them. So I had Joel show me how to use the test kiln, and I've been firing my own loads and doing tests. I've never put so much effort into one single piece until now. And I'm slowly rising to the top in the ceramics/art world. I'm loving it.

Apr. 13 2010 · 08:32 am

A lot of crazy shit has been happening lately. First and foremost, Joe and I broke up a couple weeks ago. I was so devastated at first. I cried all the time, got drunk by myself, and even went to stalkerish lengths to try to find him and convince him otherwise. It got to the point that I couldn't get through my day at school, couldn't concentrate, my art was suffering, and it only got worse when I found out he's already replaced me. Within a week. Wow, don't I feel special.
We agreed to be friends, but every time I've seen him since, it's been really weird. All we'd talk about was us, because I wouldn't let it go. Mother went out of town last week for two days, and I didn't want to be alone so I invited him over. Oh, what a mistake that was.
I came home from work to find Joe, Jake, TJ, Mason, and Ducky shitfaced and on various drugs in my room, playing music loud, and it was immediately apparent what was going on. But I went with it, drank a lot of beer, pierced a lot of faces, and stayed up really late talking to everyone but Joe.

Here's where it gets interesting. The night prior, I was at the park hanging out, and it eventually dwindled down to me, Pollard and Eddie. Brian's place of residence kicked him out for the night, so we went and got a room at Motel 6. Eddie is going through the exact same shit as me right now, so we stayed up for a good part of the night, just talking and bitching and hating our exes. That was the moment that I was instantly DONE being depressed about Joe, fuck him, fuck Alana, fuck everyone. It helps to know that his friends like me better. And it helps to have someone to talk to who literally feels the exact same way as I do.
That night, we shared a bed. Nothing happened. But it was nice to wake up next to someone. We both agreed that it was weird sleeping with someone else for the first time in years.

So anyway, Joe finds out, and he's jealous. Like, really? He's fucking someone else, all I did was sleep. So that just made things weird too.
The next day, Eddie calls me up and they're in the same room. I try to call my house to figure out if Joe's there, and who else. Imagine my surprise when Jake answers my phone. We talked, and I told him that Toni and I were going to go hang out over there after work. He didn't sound pissed at the time, just confused.

Fast forward to a few hours later. I get a call from Joe saying he's leaving my house. Don't know why he'd rather be outside in the rain than in a house for the night, with or without his ex. I assumed he was taking Jake with him, but no, Jake called my phone to say he was still there and had no idea what was going on.

Fast forward to about 3:30 in the morning. Toni and Jake are fighting, so she goes to my house to talk to him. About an hour later, I go home, but I bring Eddie with me because its never fun to hang out with an arguing couple. And everything's fine and dandy for a while; Jake passed out (or at least pretended to), and we all stayed up so late, it was light out by the time we crashed. And me and Eddie slept in my bed. But this time, we got close, and he held me for most of the "night".

In the "morning", Jake takes off angrily. We all feel like shit, Toni and I go to work, and the day goes on. Later, I get a call from Eddie saying, "Joe knows everything and he's pissed." Everything? Nothing really even happened. But nothing makes me happier than knowing he's pissed. Take that, fucker.
I haven't talked to Jake or Joe in the last few days and I do not intend to.


In other news, Home Depot is taking over my life. I work too much, more than I sleep. That cannot be good. They schedule me for every possible moment I'm not at school (i.e. I go to school from the morning to 4:00, and I work 4:30-10:30 most nights.) By the time I get off, I want to go do something, which is where my cowboys come in.
Somehow, work leads to irresponsibility. So does snuggling. I've missed school enough lately that if I miss one more class, I'm dropped. And when I'm bothered to actually show up, I'm late.
I haven't slept enough in over two weeks (maybe half as much as I should have) and I haven't really been eating lately for a variety of factors (at first, I had no urge to. Now, my body isn't used to eating, and I don't eat until someone reminds me, or gets on my case about how much I've eaten that day. Plus, with the amount of free time I have, eating isn't really top priority.)


I haven't slept in my own bed (or alone) in a week, excluding the days Mother went out of town. I love my new life. I love having people who have my back. I love being cared about regardless of who I'm with. I love having someone to talk to. I love that Joe's pissed. I love that all "our" friends give a shit about me more than him. If it weren't for them, I'd be curled up in bed alone feeling sorry for myself. I fucking love you guys.

Mar. 15 2010 · 04:21 pm subject

We went to Caesar's Fish today, and ultimately pimped my already pre-pimped aquarium. In the past three days, I've spent only ~$36 to "fully furnish" my new ecosystem. I'm becoming a hobbyist, and I love it. Last night after I added Gordon and Rupee, I just sat in front of the tank for hours, watching.

Today I picked up a couple tall, grassy plants to disguise the ugly air tubes, two adorable snails (named Philbert and Gary), a replacement bulb, and an absolutely gorgeous black moore, named Ojos (Spanish for "eyes", because of their bulbousness). He's mostly black with the occasional flashy orange/white scale, and unique orange eyes, unlike the plain black eyes of his tank mates. He's quickly becoming my favorite fish. As I was taking pictures of him, he stayed at the front of the tank, following the lens and blowing kisses at me. He's very photogenic.

In other fish-related babble, Rupee has been chasing Gordon around the tank and biting him on the ass, ever since we put them in last night. Could be a territorial issue, or dominance related, but this never happened when they were in the bowl. And he doesn't bother Ojos at all, either. I'd hate to find out that Gordon is actually a female, and Rupee would be bullying "her" to the point of sickness, or death. And then what would I do with their offspring? Ugh. Well, there's no chunks missing from Gordon's tail yet, so for now I'll watch carefully until it becomes evident that Rupee needs to be separated from the rest of the tank.

Anyway, without further ado, pictures of the "happy" family... under here.Collapse )

mood: content